And Introducing…

Testing, 1, 10, 11. Alright, according to Optimal Outer Control, we have signal. Greetings, people of whichever Earth this reaches. Hopefully not that pirate one where Nixon is still president. This is supposed to be a world with no superheroes that receives this. I myself am a supervillain. That’s right, costume, powers, plans to wreak evil on the world, that sort of thing. Trust me, I do a lot of wreaking. Usually in bathrooms. In fact, this one time I didn’t even bother getting close to the toilet. I just stood in the middle of the bathroom, put my arm up, and went “ch ch ch, chchchchchch!” while rotating in place. You should have seen the faces on the other guys in that airport bathroom. I have it on good authority that that more than anything is why they put me on the no-fly list.

You know, on the one hand, I’m glad for you. I’m sure a planet without so much power in the hands of so few has a lot fewer problems. After all, then you’d need a whole lot of jerkwad people to be supportive of the kind of crap they pull over here. What’s that? Got an email from OOC here on this subject.

…so, in a topic that is in no way meant to change the subject, you might be wondering what I’m doing communicating with your planet now. The answer to that is simple. I don’t know. I got the idea and technology from this hero I fought the other day. Guy by the name of Jetbomb or something. A teenager with more fashion sense than situational awareness.

I was running interference for a client. Elita the Warrior Woman, to be specific. Quite the Amazonian beauty. One of the types that can throw a car at people. She is one of the bigger names just because she can go mano a womano with the big name heroes in a straight up fight. I find you shouldn’t ever bother with a fair fight unless you’re unable to kick your opponent in the balls. Anyway, I’m in the bar about a week back and she’s got a crowd over there, except suddenly a bunch of them start laughing. Not the nice laughter either. Knowing that and noticing who they’re laughing at, I figured I was about to see somebody’s head shoved through a wall. She threatened it and they backed off, to my disappointment, but then I noticed her slump down in her barstool.

I shouldn’t have been staring, but that’s when I saw the handbill. Bleh, archaic term. We use a lot less paper where I come from you know. Or they did. I’m fairly certain I didn’t blow up the planet when I left. Anyway, handbill. This author was in town promoting a book called Master and Margarita 2: Chinese Takeout. That’s when I got the idea to walk over there and just be myself to the large muscular woman who was upset over being made fun of.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. I walked up the bar and called to the bartender for another White Russian and cheesesticks. It’s not really a bad guy bar without ways to kill people all over the place. My favorite are the cheesesticks. Then, acting all nonchalant, I’m like, “Hello Elita the Warrior Woman. I see you are sitting here. How are you today that is causing you to be despondent?” I don’t remember the actual backhand. After pulling myself out of the table’s wreckage, I walked back over to the bar to pick up my ready food. I lingered a second and had my mouth open, so she grabbed me by the collar of my jacket.

“Listen, I don’t feel like being made fun of, so why don’t you get out of here you little blond bumfucker.”

My response had to wait until I’d reset my jaw from the previous blow.  Ow.

“First of all, that was probably offensive to gay people. Second of all, I wasn’t intending to make fun of your carpet-munching ass at all.”

“I meant bumfuck like the middle of bumfuck, nowhere.”

“Oh. Ew, I hope they don’t do a lot of ranching out there.”

“It’s a saying!”

“I hope that’s all it is. Listen, I saw you were sad and I was naturally curious as to how anyone could actually possess a pair big enough to laugh at you. Also, would you care for a cheesestick?” I held it out for her. If you’re wondering why the specifics on the dialogue now, it’s because of some playback I’ve got built in. I started recording a little after realizing I had no idea how I got from the bar to the middle of a broken table across the room. It’s the kind of thing that piques one’s curiosity.

She took that cheesestick and we sat down and had ourselves a small talk about her favorite author who was coming in town in the next few days. She wanted to go see him at the book signing but there was a big problem. Her rather distinctive size. Publishers like to keep an eye out for anyone unusual to prevent kidnappings. Not like they’d have any security present capable of taking out a woman of Elita’s stature, but they’d make a call requesting superhuman assistance at the place.

For someone just wanting to peacefully see her favorite author, it was indeed a problem. She didn’t want to kidnap him either, and I don’t blame her. I find it’s tough to get the chain around their necks tight enough to hold them but not so tight it chokes them. There are a lot of technical matters like that involved in supervillainy. Most people don’t realize that we work very hard to create the terrifying experiences we unleash upon the world.

Actually, Elita is one of those who usually doesn’t bother, which was part of her problem. Right away I knew what to do. See, what Elita needed was a decoy.

Next

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35 thoughts on “And Introducing…

  1. Scrambles

    I hope Wildbow shows up here and starts rewriting sections of your chapters to be very normal and serious and dark.

    Also, glad to see you finally set up a place to post writings.

    Reply
  2. Shikome Kido Mi

    Huh. Psycho Gecko comes off a lot like Deadpool, if he was very tech savy.

    Good job giving Elita a sympathetic reason to need a distraction.

    Also, what Scrambles said.

    Reply
    1. Psycho Gecko Post author

      I wouldn’t say that “normal” necessarily implies “serious and dark” but the joke’s on you! Wildbow doesn’t share my sense of humor! He’ll never come and save you. You are at my mercy. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!

      Also, nice to have a new reader who is commenting. I hope you enjoy your stay.

      Reply
  3. dinaraven

    Meow.

    Seriously. When I found out that you’re actually posting stuff… I got to experience a mix of intense, conflucting emotions.

    Part of me was like: ‘Please, someone, think of the children!” and ‘Is that even legal??”

    Another… ‘Muhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! The end is nigh!’

    Oh, I might have gone off topic. I’m enjoying this so far, Gecko. It’s about time you concentrated your crazies in one spot.

    -Raven

    Reply
    1. Psycho Gecko Post author

      Some parts are better than others, of course. I hold no illusions that all my adventures make the most sense or show the best judgment or are interesting.

      Glad to see someone else has shown up to enjoy the chaos from the safety of at least one dimension away. That is the minimum safe distance, after all.

      Reply
  4. the13thversifier

    let’s see if i could pull a joke

    It’s seem the female character, Elita, has some bond to author’s real life. Probably it’s based on real life character, with the exactly same name.

    Well out of my personal curiosity; please kindly ignore if this comment sounds like a mad random rambling

    Reply
    1. Psycho Gecko Post author

      I don’t get the joke, but glad you’re reading. Welcome to the Cthulhu of stories. Human minds are not prepared for what goes on here! There’s, like, jokes and ass and stuff.

      Hope you enjoy, especially as Worm becomes darker and more sad.

      Reply
      1. Razzik

        The joke is that the first 2 parts of what he says are such broken English that you don’t realize by after having read the 3rd part that he isn’t actually some saudi-exchange student studying ( or pretending to ) at Arizona State.

        Reply
  5. Cultist

    I feel as though I am slowly succumbing to a pleasant insanity. Writers (typers?) don’t usually have this effect on me.

    Reply
  6. Pita

    BTW, the fact that this comment hasn’t been moderated yet means I can say fuckity fuckity boogely boo and you can say “This makes too much sense to be on my website” and remove it. I’m doing this to enhance your sense of divinity. ALL PRAISE THE GECKO.

    Reply
    1. Psycho Gecko Post author

      I got to it eventually, fuckity fuckity boogely boo. What, is that Honey Boo Boo’s cousin?

      It’s a legit question. I haven’t watched the show, nor do I want to. You know me and reality shows. Well, maybe you don’t yet, but you’ll find out eventually.

      Reply
  7. Pingback: And Introducing… 2 | World Domination in Retrospect

  8. farmerbob1

    Did you make this sentence BEG for “that that” and then leave off a letter “y” as a grammar and spelling torture device?

    Add a “y” to “why the”, and replace “a no-fly” with “the no-fly” Also tried to find something “appropriate” to add in to make that “that that” that was driving me a bit mad go away.

    I have it on good authority that the golden sprinkler trick, more than anything else, is why they put me on the no-fly list.

    Reply
    1. Razzik

      that that that that that. Lol. Man this made me laugh pretty much just as much as reading anything PG-13 😉

      Reply
  9. farmerbob1

    “…so, in a topic that is in now way meant to change”

    I am not sure what rules govern starting a sentence with ellipses, or how to capitalize them, but “now” should probably change to “no”

    Reply
  10. farmerbob1

    “How are you today that is causing you to be despondent.”

    I did look to see if there was some meaning hidden in the sentence above, but I missed it if it was there. Unless the narrator is supposed to be drunk. Doesn’t seem to be drunk though.

    “How are you today, and what is causing you to be despondent?”

    And then I realized that by adjusting this, I have answered a question with a question. OK, no more correction suggestions in this post. My head hurts

    Reply
    1. Psycho Gecko Post author

      Thanks for the help with the ones you pointed out. I hope to cause many more headaches for you that involve fewer typos and more pure, uncut content. Well, maybe add a little bit of egg white and baking soda…and I swear I tasted cinnamon.

      Reply
  11. olivebirdy

    Hiya, I’m checking this here stream-of-words out now. It looks alright so far. The plot has not yet reached out and grabbed me. I’ll keep going.

    Reply
    1. farmerbob1

      It’s a wild ride. You’re either going to hate it, or love it. If you hate it, not much I can say. If you love it, I strongly suggest avoiding carbonated, very hot, or very cold beverages while reading this blog.

      It would probably be for the best if you avoided drinking at all, when reading this, but if you have to indulge in liquid refreshment when reading at the computer, as I do, be sure to keep a rag or paper towels nearby to clean up the monitor, as I do.

      Reply
  12. MoonCousin

    Oh god. Psycho Gecko has a web series. I MUST READ IT!

    This was my reaction to discovering that Psycho Gecko. THE Psycho Gecko who writes the amazingly hilarious and insane comments in Worm had his own web serial.

    I have a feeling my mind will be blown by reading this! A mortal mind like mine may not be able to handle it.

    Reply
  13. Milan

    It writes! After a glorious month of reading Worm and your comments I imagined it was all just a glorious dream. But now I’m reading Legion of Nothing I found a kind of Prequel Gecko of the same name. Coincidence rained, for PG reveals his time in the City of Heroes. Even that there existed a character page, back in 2011. Suddenly PG was more than an internet construct, slash, meme incarnation.

    I found that page, and you hark from the same Infinity. Hello from Aehaed! More frenetic searching and I found your blog. I look forward to reading your story in turn, instead of writing my own, but you are my rolemodel for getting my act together, eventually, if I do.

    Reply
    1. Psycho Gecko Post author

      Someone else recognized me way back when while I was holding a torch in Atlas Park. Then Rularuu showed up behind us. Things got kinda loud and bright after that. But it takes more than just a measly nigh-omniscient god-like monster to worry me. I was just thinking of Split Infinity Radio the other day, too. Ah, those classic Harry Potter pornfic readings…

      Reply
  14. Xidas

    I rise to take my place among the minority of readers who possess sufficient mass of reproductive organs to comment. Unrelatedly, I was in no way responsible for the recent removal of such organs from a majority of the readership.

    I like your style. Like most of the people here, I crawled over from Worm.

    Reply
    1. Psycho Gecko Post author

      As always, it’s nice to see someone with the testicular fortitude to say hello. It makes me feel a little less lonely, and it’s nice to see someone hitched a ride from Worm, as much as people talked about checking it out. I don’t know how much you’ve read just yet, but I hope to disappoint you in exciting new ways. Or forcing your recent drinks out of your bodily orifices all the quicker. I’m up for either one, honestly.

      Reply
  15. Pingback: 259 Free Humor & Comedy Ebooks | Download Free Ebooks, Legally

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