Deals And Breakers 1



There’s so much pressure. Everybody wants something from me. And it’s called an ultrasound. It’s considered a scandal that I haven’t bothered getting one. Why would I need doctors when I have robots?

“I’m going to find you a doula,” Holly said while eating a sandwich in front of me. I kept staring at the buffalo chicken. The chicken wasn’t moist enough. It needed a good mayo. “Hey!” she snapped her fingers. “What did I just say?”

“You wanted to get some new age woman to rub my belly and wave incense around,” I said.

“Yes, but no, but yes,” she huffed.

“We could get a midwife instead,” Sam said. She didn’t come bearing food. Wait… no, that was eye shadow. “I’m worried how hungry you are. I’ve been talking with the sister-wives and they want a specialist. Medusa’s worried that with everything you exposed yourself to, the baby might be weird.”

I glared at her.

Sam held out a sandwich. “It’s for your own good,” she said. “We’re just concerned about the baby, like you are.” I still glared, but I bit into it.

“My body is the pinnacle of health. Not like I’m going to turn myself into a regular person after having godlike abilities,” I informed her. “Sure, that was before I ate all this crap, but I’m keeping an eye on myself.”

“And were they collaborated for pregnant women?” Holly asked.

Sam rolled her eyes, but Holly grinned at her joke. Sam made a good point as well. “Remember that time you messed up your chromosomes?”

I took a deep breath. “Fine. You may convey your goddess to the vagina doc.”

Sam scoffed. “Take yourself, bitch.” She smiled at me, though.

“I’ll go!” Holly said, jumping up over the counter to kiss my cheek.

Hoping on the sleepy town not being that busy, which wasn’t a good bet anyway, we decided to go see the place in person. Since supers have made Radium a haven for our kind and our families, the town has grown and updated dramatically. At this point, very little of the town is what it used to be. They’re working on an actual hospital now, but we’ve got some more doctors. An awful lot of superheroes and villains have doctors among their friends and family, or support staff, or some of them are doctors. For reasons of trust and security, they’re asked not to wear the costumes while practicing. It could be awkward if a hero goes to the doctor and finds out his nemesis is checking his prostate.

I decided not to do a background check on the doctor inspecting my vajayjay and its passenger beyond finding out if he’s good at his job. And I had Holly with me to provide snacks she hid in her purse and keep me company. She has this cute smile when we hold hands.

Instead of the OB/GYN, the Torian entered with his back turned to me. The human-looking time traveler was the evil incarnation of the heroic Mobian. He was also older, with grey hair, and a clean white coat over his usual tan one. “Good morning, Mrs. Gecko. Let’s take a look at that baby now.”

“You’re not looking up my cooch,” I told the Torian.

“I’m not the Torian,” he said.

“Yes, you are. You’ve even got his smell, like sour decaf coffee.”

“I’m a tea drinker, you-!” He turned, revealing a fake mustache that fell off. He grabbed it out of midair and held it back up to his face. “I mean.”

Holly pulled out a Chinese broomhandle pistol and held it up to his face. “You carry a gun?” he asked.

“Yeah, that’s new,” I noted, looking at her.

She blew me a kiss. “I’ve never had a pregnant girlfriend before. I’m protective.”

“Alright,” Torian dropped the mustache. “I came because I need your help.”

“The favor I owe you, right?” I asked.

“Right,” he said, hesitating.

I sighed. “You came to me a short while ago in my timeline and gave me a crystal that stabilized an alien device that changes the size of things. You gave it to me in exchange for a later favor.”

The old time traveler thought about that. “I closed the loop. Yes. Well, you probably would have survived if I hadn’t, but things would have been much more difficult for you.”

I held up a hand. “Please, do not try to explain time travel. It’s nonsense, all of it.”

“Well,” he pulled the white coat off and tossed it aside. “Do you think your appointment can wait?”

“No!” Holly said, waving the Mauser she held.

“What’s going on here!” shouted the doctor as he held the door open.

“Wrong room,” Torian said.

Holly had her gun behind her back. “Yeah, grandpa’s getting a little senile. He was just leaving.”

“Yes, yes. I suppose I’ll go have lunch at that place I saw in town, Maskies,” he said and left past a suspicious doctor.

I looked to Holly and rolled my eyes. Maskies was a local restaurant with a super theme that started up a few months back. The staff have uniforms like costumes, and name food after various supers. I heard I’m on the menu somewhere. They put up signs announcing new hero merchandise. I’ve been avoiding the place. Holly and Sam have teased me about it. And since I don’t want to discuss getting my body probed by the human species, I’d rather skip to that place.

“It’s not that bad,” Holly said. “Regular women do it all the time. Besides, it’s good news!”

I maintained my grumpiness as I bumbled through the door into Maskies and was immediately greated by a host in a Captain Lightning cape. “Hey folks, welcome to Maskies. We hope you have a super time with us today. How many are we seating?”

“We’re meeting someone an old British guy here,” I said.

His face brightened. “Oh, him!” He pointed me over to the Torian, who was was “fighting” off some kids in complimentary masks who were celebrating a birthday.

The host showed us to a booth near the bunch. Torian took a break and walked over, easing into his side of the booth. “Ooh. Nothing makes you feel your age like children. I suppose I don’t need to tell you that.”

“Indeed,” I said. “So, what’s the job?”

“What, right to work? Don’t want to enjoy some food first? I hear pregnant ladies have all sorts of cravings,” he said.

Holly was already looking at the menu with a grin on her face. He had a point, I just didn’t want to see. Alas, I gave in and found myself looking down at a menu offering Forcelight fries, Claw fingers, and Venus Vegan burgers. I feel like Venus might be offended by that one. They had a Mix N’Max series of drinks with things like orange drink mixed with Sprite, root beer mixed with Dr. Pepper, or sweet tea mixed with lemonade. “I don’t see me on here,” I noted.

Holly reached over and pointed to the wing menu. “You’re a sauce.”

Sure enough, Psychopomp sauce was one of the offerings. Apparently mine was a spicy and sweet dipping sauce featuring mango, habanero, and honey. “That’s nothing at all like how I take my wings.”

“They’re just having a bit of fun,” Holly said. She patted my shoulder. “Besides, you don’t like this place anyway.”

“I thought I was a bit more meaningful than a sauce,” I said.

Holly was watching me with a cute smile. A teenage waitress stopped over, dressed in a costume I didn’t recognize at first. “Can I help you?”

“Do you have a discount for actual supers?” Holly asked.

I shook my head. “Don’t listen to her. She’s the sort who has a birthday every time we go out to eat.”

The waitress laughed. “You must be the hero.” Oh, how much fun they had with my expression. “We have a discount if you come in costume, but not when you’re in your civilian clothing.”

So I tried the Psychopomp wings with a side of Forcelight fries, which are thick, spiral-shaped fries seasoned with ranch seasoning with smoked cheddar and green onions. I devoured it. As soon as I came up for air after tearing through wings and fries, Torian cleared his throat. “No wonder Mobian found you terrifying. But the truth is, he knew you were going to kill him at some point.”

“Really?” I asked. “I thought it was the murder and genocide.”

He waved that off. “We’ve seen an eternity’s worth of that. No, there was a prediction you would kill him at some point. And you know he hasn’t appeared on Earth for some time. Something’s wrong, not that he knows it, and I believe now is the time.”

“Or you want it,” I said.

“I believe I am the last incarnation he has, and after a thousand years I’m quite feeling my age,” he said.

“You’re confusing me again. Let’s stick to the relevant bit: where and when do I kill the Torian?” I said. Holly reached over and dabbed at my cheek while I discussed assassinating a legendary hero of Earth.

The Mobian reached into his coat and pulled out a small rectangle. He slid it over where I could see alien lettering that, nonetheless, I could understand it. “Oh, those translator germs are still so handy.”

“Yes, that is another reason it has to be now,” Mobian said.

The card read that I am formally invited to spend an evening in Morigoth House on the Planet Eidos Alt 9 as part of a celebration. “He’s going to be at this party?”

“He will stop there with a travel companion and they will be caught up in a plot to murder everyone when no one knows who the killer could be in a party full of shady characters. You will fit right in.”

I laughed. I got a good feeling about this. “So go to a party, kill your other self, and get out somehow?”

Mobian pulled out a pocket watch. Holly grabbed it and turned it over. “Neat.”

“I built that to signal my timeship. As soon as you’re prepared, signal me, and I’ll get you to the party on time.”

“I’ll be sure to wear my laciest, prettiest dress,” I said.

He raised his eyebrows. “Please do. They’re aliens a thousand years in the past. Dress how you like. I’m sue you’ll be perfectly disarming.”

“Happy birthday to you!” sang a line of waitresses as they came over to our table. They put a domino mask on me. Holly had her camera out and recorded it, and my glare, as they sang to me in front of everyone.




2 thoughts on “Deals And Breakers 1

  1. Pingback: Outlaw X Presents: Enter The Goldfish | World Domination in Retrospect

  2. Pingback: Deals and Breakers 2 | World Domination in Retrospect

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