New Me Who Dis? 5



If, if, if. If a god wants something done, and it’s within their power to do so, then it’s done. That’s what causes some with power to just go nuts with all sorts of wacky things. Needs and goals are more easily taken care of. But it’s possible to try a more convoluted way to get what someone wants. One, it’s neat to see the plan play out, but it also can help disguise how you’re getting things done.

Just some things for me to muse on while at game night with Baron Samedi again, who paused for a moment. “I play Inevitable Betrayal. Hand me your gold.”

We were playing Lords of Waterdeep. Baron Samedi and someone he called “Argu the Observer.”. Looked like a six-legged starfish with a ring of eyes around a central mouth. “He’s not from around here,” Samedi told me, which I took to mean he’s an alien god or similar entity. Argu had a small army of warriors and rogues, constantly hogging those buildings and forcing Samedi to keep using the buildings I was buying up if he wanted to complete any quests.

In response, Samedi was concentrating his Intrigues on Argu, and hopefully not ending a friendship in the process. If this had been Monopoly or Mario Party, I think we’d have had a real problem on our hands:

“How’d the Intergalactic Holy War start?”

“Well, this Loa built a hotel on Baltic Avenue…”

I laughed at the thought, and at another that popped into my head.

“What joke tickled your funny bone?” the Baron asked.

I shook my head. “Nothing. Just thinking how one of the few beings that lived up to its supernatural reputation was one who doesn’t claim to be a god.” I nodded toward him.

“None of us here need to lie about what we are to be what we are,” Samedi said.

“Lying is still fun, though,” Argu said.

That got agreement from Samedi and I. Lying to people can be fun, but that’s not something everyone agrees with. Just to make sure, I used my powers to make sure none of us were cheating. All good.

“So what is going on with your people you are tricking?” Argu asked. “One of them wants to kill you and the other wants to mate with you, and you set the latter against the former.”

“Yes. I sent Blacklight, who offered herself to me if it would solve her legal problems, to take this mysterious bird statue from the thief Dame who believed it was capable of imprisoning my human form. I had made sure nobody hostile to me was aware I was the Unicorn Goddess, but I also couldn’t read the statue enough to figure out if it was a threat to myself as a god.”

“You know, you remind me of this musical theater that was recently imported to my planet,” Argu noted. “They say it contains footage of real aliens being murdered.”

I remembered that time I killed some fascist aliens defending that performance and getting recorded in the process. “Sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime performance.”

Anyway, let’s cut away from that to the events with Blacklight and Dame.

Dame was laid up in the hotel, recovering from getting shot by a bullet with her name on it that curved through the air to get to her. With some of that mysterious ways bullshit, I’d made sure it didn’t kill her when she was struck and made sure the guy’s partner didn’t blow her up. Then, I subtly fixed it so she’d make it until the doctor got her stabilized. She was in no shape to fight, so I was tending to her in my civilian form, known to her as Delilah.

Dame was stumbling back to bed after using the bathroom, wincing at the pain of laying herself back down. “Lilah, make sure there’s lots of fiber and yogurt for dinner. I can’t deal with a shit like that again.”

There was a kitchen that I doubt Dame ever used, in addition to a delectable room service options, including bringing groceries up if guests decide to cook. It gave me some time to prepare a meal or two, including country fried steak. I put a little too much of the drippings and oil in with the gravy. That made it less white, but not less delicious. Shame we wouldn’t get to enjoy much of it.

“Plenty of corn!” I told her, bringing her a nice plate of it first so she’d have more time to eat and get her strength up. For all the antagonism between us, I want to see better for Dame, and not just by making her forget what happened. Maybe I should. Like, maybe that’s a wound that will never fully heal and provides no future beneficial lesson. In that case, what benefit is there to it other than giving her vengeful ambitions? I watched as she ate.

“Aren’t you going to have some?” Dame asked. She clearly enjoyed it, but then she saw me looking at her. “What?”

“Just seeing you hurt like this… why do you do all this? The fighting and all that. You’re rich. You could just not be here. Why kill yourself?”

Dame laughed, going from amused to crazy sounding over the course of a few seconds before clutching at her chest. I caught her plate so she wouldn’t drop it. “Ow, fuck… ow… not worth it…”

“Nevermind, just eat,” I said. I let her get back to it once she was over some of the pain.

She took a break from inhaling the mashed potatoes and gravy to answer me. “Someone hurt me in ways you can’t imagine. I don’t… I can’t. I have to do this. I have to. You’ll never understand what she did to me and how little it makes me. The heroes won’t do anything about it because one of them has had a crush on her forever. So she gets away with it.”

I understand that feeling. I’ve been on the other end. I wish I could help her, but I’m the person who wronged her, so the best I can do is make her feel better.

She didn’t get much further before we heard the door swing open. Someone shushed someone else, and we heard footsteps. It was Blacklight, walking in and heading right toward the the Monegasque Shag, a golden statue inlaid with gems, next to a sapphire egg. Not being able to get a read on the statue, I worried about what it could do to me. Blacklight was just walking up to it.

Dame kept her plate in hand and didn’t spill it while rolling out of bed. Wincing, she set it down on a dresser and slid her phasing gauntlet on. I tried to stay quiet and hid behind the bed while Dame padded quietly to the door. “Forcelight?”

“Hey Dame,” Blacklight responded to her former superhero name. In her defense, Blacklight was way better than forcelight.

“What are you doing here? I thought you were that jerk trying to kill me,” she said.

“Sorry, but someone wanted me to come get this. Don’t worry, not the jerk coming to kill me,” Blacklight answered. I snuck toward the door. I looked enough different from my Unicorn Goddess guise like this that Blacklight couldn’t recognize me, but I still had a role to play.

“I can’t let you do that,” Dame said. I saw her fist clench. “I need that.”

Things went quiet and tense for a minute. Blacklight stood in the middle of the living room, right next to the Shag, then sighed and shook her head. “Relax. Why’s this thing so important and what’s it do?”

So Dame told her about it and about her intention to use it to lure out and trap Psycho Gecko. Which wasn’t the worst plan. Over on VillaiNet, the Monaco mob were fishing for people who would be willing to kill Dame and regain the artifact. Some had put feelers out for me. Money wasn’t that big of a deal, and they’d consider allowing me to use the hotel and casino. That was my pretend sticking point while all this played out.

I focused on Dame and Blacklight again when Dame discussed the guy who’d shot at her. “Some hunter god I knew from the Three Hares. I found out the hard way he controls projectiles. I guess he didn’t want to leave civilization behind like the main group with their hiding dogma.”

I shook my head. “Hmm?”

“Nothing, Lilah,” Dame said.

“And who is she?” Blacklight asked. “You have a helper?”

“Umm,” I said, blushing.

Dame smiled. “That’s Delilah. She rides the subway with me. She got caught in the middle of their first attempt to kill me, and then she saw my safehouse, so I’ve been keeping her safe in case they tried to go after her.”

“Hi,” I said, reaching out and shaking Blacklight’s hand. The mischievous side of me wanted to fuck with her sexuality at the time and maybe get some jealousy going between her and Dame, but I contained myself. As bad as all this looks, it’s not about just pursuing my wants. Believe it or not, I’m doing this to help people and enjoying myself lying to them.

The door opened just then and one of the hotel staff’s housekeepers was thrown to the floor inside. The man from the intersection entered, raising his gun. Forcelight threw me to the ground and stood up, while Dame phased and dropped through the floor. The hunter’s sidekick raised the lit barrel of a flamethrower.

It was Blacklight who fired first, destroying the revolver with her blast and catching the sidekick on fire when she burst his fuel tank. The hunter was knocked through the wall behind him and into someone else’s suite, with the sidekick rolling around screaming and inadvertently trapping the other guy. Blacklight floated over to the door in time for Dame to poke her head up through the hallway. She pulled herself up, then went solid again. “You got them?”

“I got them. Listen, I’m going to need that bird statue for a deal, but I can wait a little bit if you want to use it first, alright?” Blacklight offered.

Dame nodded, then leaned against a wall. “Yeah. Thanks. Just give me a bit to recover.” I rushed over to help her walk back into the room, past a fleeing, screaming housekeeper.

A few hours after that, once word got out to the mob that the people they hired so far had failed, they decided to stop courting me and just made it an open contract. $12 million for the death of Dame and the return of the Shag to the Monacan mob. It’s showtime!

At least we were gone by the time they followed the clues from the other guys to the hotel, Dame and I were settled into a private train car heading west to Buffalo.




2 thoughts on “New Me Who Dis? 5

  1. Pingback: New Me Who Dis? 4 | World Domination in Retrospect

  2. Pingback: New Me Who Dis? 6 | World Domination in Retrospect

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