Ok, I may have gone a bit D-bomb crazy. Things are odd around here in Vancouver now, and I don’t just mean the actions of a few displaced villains. It’s not entirely my fault. The place has been in a constant state of snowstorm since Dr. Creeper unleashed his formula on the sky overhead. That, in turn, is doing causing some fucked-up weather patterns that has gone from affecting North America to messing with the rest of the world. Naturally, some jackasses have decided that this means global climate change isn’t occurring.
The weather is causing some unusual fauna to migrate to the region, as well. That, or my bombs. You’d think I would know for certain, but that’s kind of a complicated issue. I think my extensive localized testing was a little too extensive and localized. I already knew about a couple of weak spots around Earth due to my arrival and then that quaint piece of genocide I pulled last year, but those were one-time rips involving bombs of much greater magnitude.
It’s not that I kept doing it over and over again right at my lair. Considering I’d brought over three angry people who could blow up my stuff, I moved the sensors and sling to another location. That brought over some more oddities. Maybe a weird animal here. A mobile mushroom there. In one case, I got this drop bear that died pretty quickly after arriving.
But I didn’t bring in the abominable snowman. And there are heroes showing up in all this mess. Some lady I didn’t recognize was spotted hoping around with glowing eyes and fibrous wings. A walking corpse of a man stopped bank robbers and didn’t chow down on any brains in the process. Once again, not someone I or anyone else recognized. There are rumors of large, talking roaches, so either one of these dimensions is a world where Rastafarianism is the predominant religious sect, or I found a nuclear war world. Still, I’ve begun to suspect that people and things from other worlds might be breaking through to this one now either due to my actions weakening the barrier between, or by trying to follow the phenomena I’ve caused.
Then there’s the knight. I know this one’s from here. He’s running around in some sort of wannabe-fantasy armor with a Gothic barbute helmet featuring wings where the ears would be. He’s that student I stole the 3D armor printer from, and it looks like he built a duplicate and a sword. He’s also got to work on his combat training, because he’s also getting his ass kicked when he’s not getting too winded chasing after a purse snatcher.
Canadian purse snatchers. I think it’s the weather. It’s got people acting all crazy. No sense at all to them. Meanwhile, I think I’ve got these bombs nailed down. They are safe for travel by both humanoids and technology, so I should be able to get around. The difficulty is in figuring out how to appear in different places on this Earth.
I broke down the sensors into convenient backpack form and strapped a pair of bombs to my ass. One for each cheek.
The trip was much like I remembered it. A multitude of universes, all touching one they spawned from, stretching into forever. Universes filled with flawed people. Wait, nah, gotta watch the idea I might be doing this for some sort of greater philosophical good. Bad things happen like that. I’m doing this because I can write off taking out The Claw’s world domination scheme as accounting for my debt to Master Academy, and because some stupid fuck’s going to destroy a perfectly nice world if I don’t handle things in a more controlled manner.
The multiverse wasn’t something below me, though. It was around me. That’s how I blooped on into another one while still trying to pick out the one I’d ejected myself from. It wasn’t until I was about to hit it that I realized this may not be the smartest idea.
In a small destructive radius, I found myself in an Earth both alien and familiar to me, just like the last one. My eyes connected instantly to the local information network and began to pull up all kinds of hits.
I was home. The other home. The world where I came from. The one with the Justice Ranger petaQs and a failed rebellion from myself. It took me a minute of parsing the data and running through the cuss words in my vocabulary before I looked up to see exactly where I was. Looked a lot like a monument, though the info-net’s GPS revealed I actually stood in the same spot where my original failed attempt at destroying the world took place.
It was a small building, with round with a trio of doors arranged in an equilateral triangle. The walls had a bunch of people’s names. The middle had a bust of my old armor. At first, I didn’t understand why they were so interested in my manly bust. Turns out, they decided to put up a memorial to what I’d done. Something tells me it isn’t a popular local makeout spot.
I moved to examine the plaque under my bust when an alarm klaxon rang out from above. From the top of this little building came a robotic drone, some little hovering thing round thing.
It lowered itself down, then unfolded a metal body underneath it in the humanoid form. It stood unarmored, with a body of cables and wires. “You are trespassing. You appear to be armed. You are in possession of restricted technology. Contacting the local office of the peace. Stand down and identify.” It raised its hands, revealing little plates on the palms reminiscent of directed energy weapons.
And yes, all this is translated to English for easier understanding.
I cocked my head to the side. “Interesting. I’m not familiar with what restricted technology I’m carrying.”
“You possess restricted power sources. You possess a restricted energy weapon. You possess a restricted power suit. What is your identification?”
“My name is Rodney. Rodney Dangerzone.” I played a clip of the relevant song. “I’m also curious why someone would erect a monument here. One moment.”
Using my eyes, I delved into the local security network. It actually had an outside connection, one that had already blown up and sent out a response. Actually, from a digital point of view, the area was in red alert. The systems involved in those alerts were of much sterner stuff, something like military and intelligence. If I had a lot of time and a bit more familiarity with them, maybe I could break in and cancel the whole mess.
The one centered on this improbable place I’d landed looked to be a civilian model, though one more advanced than what I used to see. I was breaking in when the robot decided to open fire on me. I raised my own palms, the suit absorbing energy from the blasts to fill its batteries and directing the remainder to be held in an energy sheath surrounding the gauntlet as if I’d powered them up. My follow-up punch burst through the head of the robot and crumpled its body to the ground. Then I had all the time I needed to finish infiltrating the building’s security and cancel it. As if that even mattered at that point.
Knowing my time was limited anyway, I threw the place’s meaning in the fuck-it bucket and began looking for emergency medical supplies. There’s a huge difference in first aid kits on this Earth. Indeed, I found an Emergency Nanite Dispenser just outside the building, which gave me a look at the rebuilt city around it. Or at least the incoming VTOL’s that hurried the fuck up to get there in response to whatever red alert I set off.
I thought I had time to delicately remove the thing, at least until some diamond-shaped pod crashed into the a nearby air purifier. One second, there’s a display of holographic trees. The next, big metal thing sticking in the wreckage.
I tore the dispenser out of the wall and marched my ass back inside. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to enjoy being out there too much longer. The doors locked back behind me as I put the system in “closed” mode again.
“Time to go, deadbot 5000,” I said to the disabled robot. I set the dispenser on it, then looked around for anything else I might need before leaving. I looked up at the bust of myself and cranked up the energy sheath again. One punch dented the metal resembling my old helmet and sent it flying into a wall, cracking the marble.
That wasted all the time I had left. The door exploded inward. I hopped over the prone body of the robot as figures in sleek power armor of their own entered. Something even hacked in and cut off my eyesight, forcing me to reach for the still-functional D-bomb blind. Luckily, I didn’t put a bunch of fancy dials or anything on it. Just one crank later and everything went all LSD trip again. Oddly enough, I could see the whole multiverse again, despire my eyes not working.
I was in that gap when I felt myself pulled toward one cluster in particular. It’s not like I had a clear view of everything. I was in the middle of it, and distance didn’t seem to work as a concept in anything too close to me. I mean, I could see entire universes, and was close to them, yet they were both small enough for me to view groups of them and big enough for me to fail to see all of them.
If only I’d hit that Rastafarian Earth instead, I could explain a lot of this away as a batch laced with something. Even stranger, it felt like some of the universes were rushing toward me. I mean, I always knew the world revolved around me, but I don’t know just how flattered I should feel that multiple universes do too. That, or the level of heat I just brought down on myself jumped up considerably from “an entire world,” to “there are Cthulhus with higher approval ratings than you.”
When I hit my Earth, the one I like being on, I decided teleportation was out. I suspect that I went there because it’s the world I’m from and the barrier was weaker from when I left. I’m not eager to confirm that. Even going back and scavenging more data and supplies may be more problematic than I can handle now. I have shit I need to get done, and being trapped over there isn’t doing it. On the plus side, I think I can reverse-engineer this dronebot for upgrades. The medical nanite dispenser is more important. It holds very little and can’t produce them as quickly as my old one did, but I can make it work. I have regenerative nanotech again, possibly much more superior to the old versions.
And a plaque. I didn’t think about it being close enough to get sucked up with me. I lost my eyesight again when I hit this Earth and had to clean up the offending virus. I didn’t realize until then that I brought the pedestal my bust had been on with me, as well as a plaque about the purpose of the whole place.
“On this spot, the murderous Psycho Gecko attempted to destroy the Earth. The bravery of his own people, the homo machina he gathered in rebellion, saved man and machina. The walls are etched with the names of his victims and those who died to stop him. May this place remind the world of the cost of bigotry and how close it came to annihilation. May a glimpse into the darkness of man bring peace. May the world be ready should there ever be another like him.”
Man, this D-bomb was a real d-bag this time. I asked it to teleport me to another world and instead it tried to send me on a guilt trip. Little did it know, this time I’m the slightly more preferable guy to the alternative. This time, the big bomb’s going to be a lifesaver. For realsies.