You know, space is a lovely place. The rhyme was unintentional, but I couldn’t help but admire the view as I sped off toward the Fluidic fleet in my new spaceship. I got it fairly cheap; it only cost some lives. Now, given how I’ve been getting wounded regularly against these foes, it would be pretty reasonable to ask how I could have pulled off such a feat as capturing the ship.

I suppose I could answer with pushups, situps, and plenty of juice, but one of the things making this trip tougher is that I ran off without any food or water. I’ve looked around this place, and I have yet to identify any food. Could be they have it and I’m incapable of recognizing it as such, but I’m not yet to the point of gnawing on everything around to find out if it’s edible. Could be they have some sort of beam system, or nutrition pills. Could be I’ll start chewing on what I think is food, only to find out it’s mold because the janitors were all conscripted to fight. Maybe they eat lightning crap thunder, who knows?

Anyway, the truth is always simpler and more disappointing to those used to my tendency for overly-elaborate plans. I got into their engineering sections, which I recognized through a combination of guesswork and a minor ability, perhaps you’ve heard of it: I can physically merge with computers. Granted, it took some poking and prodding to be able to pull off the ol’ Vulcan mind meld with something from Vulcan itself, but it worked. I found it, got into the computer systems that handled life support, and played around.

I know, it seems dishonorable, like a vegetarian Klingon, but as any Qo’noS chef would agree, today was a good day to fry. Cranking up the heat was just a matter of minor inconvenience. After that, it was a matter of turning off the airscrubbers. It surprised me to find out our alien buddies breathed a mixture of gasses similar to Earth’s own, but it shouldn’t have. Otherwise, how would they have survived on the planet at all without their suits? I took a brief smell of things and found it to be a little off, but that could also have to do with the odor of a bunch of people sharing a confined space. Including the odor of any of them getting it on, it’s safe to say assume. Gorn porn aside, once there’s no playing fair when Romulans like these want to ream us.

After that, they panicked and tried to go over my head with higher and higher levels of authorization. Then they sent someone to break down the door. Oh yeah, they had doors. With the things being all weird and fluid, they were smaller than I was used to and crescent-shaped. Just as long as they didn’t take me to the moon, let me play among the stars, I’d be fine. I had no desire to see what life was like on Jupiter or Mars. Besides, like anyone would really want to go see John Carter?

So I heated the ship up hot enough to kill a Sebacean, backed up the gas enough to kill a Hynerian, and waited them out like a…I’m drawing a blank here. Let’s just call that one a reference to the Silence. End result, they all died painful, slow deaths like a Decapodian having choke sex. Ok, I’m having a bit too much fun with all these references. Unlike a Nibblonian, these stopped being cute awhile back. No one wants to hear me Babylon 5 times as long as necessary just to fit in a bunch of alien names.

Good thing I couldn’t smell anything in my suit, too, because I didn’t bother cleaning the whole ship out. I just didn’t want to, nor did I have the time. Plus, I kept getting this feeling some of them were faking me out. They were weird gemstones laying in puddles of black goo; how could I tell they were dead from a distance?

So, yay, I told the ship to rejoin the rest of the fleet and found a way for it to give me a visual of Earth. Then I put on Sagan’s “Pale Blue Dot” speech. Ah, the lone planet of humanity. It’s a shame people are such assholes to each other. Makes it real easy for someone like me to justify what they do. Then again, as I realized on the way up there, I did run off to risk my life ending the alien threat once and for all. I didn’t do that for any noble reason, either. I mean, the planet is where I keep my stuff, and I have friends there. And considering how the Fluidics treat people, they put up with me a lot better on Earth. If not for the fact that I think all those incompetent morons back on the planet were incapable of solving the problem, this little trip almost looks heroic.

Still, I couldn’t help but feel it was going a little too according to plan…

That’s when the hailing frequency came in. My only bridge crew was a bomb designed to tear a hole in reality, so I had few options for dealing with communication. I couldn’t even swivel a chair around. The closest they had to seats were these bowls. But why not stick a serial killer in a bowl, eh?

I had to merge enough to bring up audio-only communications. To my surprise, the aliens communicated amongst themselves in the universal language: English. “Hail, expeditionary ship Neir. You are returning for repairs?”

When in Roman, speak as aliens do. “Yes. We are badly in need.”

The next sounds I heard sounded like sloshing and splashing. Several important-looking lights came on indicating something about the mass of ships I was in a direct course for. Figuring I’d said something wrong, I started mimicking a crackly sound and broke up my speech. “Sor-…pairs. Transla…cuckolded minotaur…sploosh.”

The lights changed from yellow to blue. I didn’t know if that was good where these guys came from, so I adjusted the ship’s velocity. “Number two,” I said to my bridge crew. “Make a note of this: when diplomacy fails, the next step…is ramming speed.”

Shots struck the ship, causing much shaking. Luckily, no consoles exploded. I fired back at the first ship to attack, despite knowing my one vessel could never repel firepower of the magnitude coming from a fleet of what looked like at least forty.

“I hope you have a better plan than this, chap,” said a British-sounding voice through the panel suddenly. I’d forgotten I had the aliens on the phone.

“Well, to quote Sun Tzu, ‘No plan survives contact with anemone,’ though I like to think most lovable jokers like myself would prefer to throw coconut cream octopi,” I answered back.

A smaller group of ships, five of them, broke away from the main fleet to intercept me, firing on after the other. Suddenly, a glowing blue orb of light flew out from underneath my stolen ship. Its tail expanded to cover the front of the ship, forcing the sensors to compensate when giving me a visual. The shots connected, but lacked the impact of previous hits. The computer showed less damage where they hit. “I never expected you to be the one to lead a martyr’s charge, Psycho Gecko. Not after we met so long ago.”

“Mobian?” I asked. “It was just last summer. Not even a year ago, I think.”

“A year for you. Do you have anything to stop these guys?”

I shrugged. “Just a little something I whipped up once to destroy a planet. I know how sensitive you are to violence, though, so I toned it down.”

“You let me worry about the violence. Just keep whatever it is ready. I shouldn’t think we’ll need it, but they haven’t been listening to me before now. Maybe this will make them shut up and consider peace,” Mobian said.

Before I could do much of anything, the light of his ship grew brighter. The ship felt like it was breaking apart around me as more shot struck. Something exploded. I didn’t know Mobian’s game plan, but I directed a message back to Earth all the same, “People of Earth, this is the USS Gecko, boldly going where some-damn-body’s got to go to save the planet. The ship is heavily damaged, so this may be my final message, and I just want to say I hate your guts. All of you, starting with Aaron A. Aaronson. I hate you. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you.” The ship shuddered. “Ok, I think something just took out the salad bar, so I need to cut this short. I just want to say, kiss my ass you rotten motherfuckers. And if anyone wants to find my secret hidden treasure from all my heists, it’s buried at the-.” I added some crackling, then cut off the channel to Earth.

Moments later, the ships fired and the light from Mobian flared up again. By the time I got sensors to compensate, it had faded and they insisted we had bigger problems than a light show. Like avoiding collision with the rest of the Fluidic fleet, which we were now in the midst of.

“Attention, would-be conquerors of the planet Earth,” The Mobian began while I checked over the ship, wondering how much I had left. Life support was failing, engines were gone, and I didn’t even want to guess what the bathrooms looked like after all that shaking. And due to the aliens being a mass of fluid around a solid core, which probably explained the hardiness of the artificial gravity. Liquid does interesting thing in a vacuum.

Long story short, the Titanic was in better shape at this point. This thing just didn’t have any water to sink into.

Anyway, Mobian was still talking, “I have with me a psychopath with a really nasty weapon capable of blowing you all away, every last one of you. He will do this. You don’t get it! You can set humans back a couple hundred years if you lose, but if they lose, they will commit genocide on you. They will take this further than you ever could, or you can listen to me, stand down, and we’ll talk this out. This planet is big enough for the two of you. You don’t have to be invaders. You can be partners, if you can show an ounce of compromise. I’ll make it happen.”

Of course, I might be recalling that wrong. I kept an ear out for it, but didn’t bother to sit still and listen to all of it, what with having armed the bomb. Mobian can have peace, sure. He can have all the peace he wants. He can sit down, pull himself out a big plate full of peace, carve off the peaciest, most pacifistic part of it, and down a big glass of harmony cola while he’s at it. I settled for carrying it out to one of the wholes in the hull and dumping it into space, where simply blowing this ship up wouldn’t do them any good.

Then I made for the shuttle, using the dead liquid bodies of my enemies as an express slip n’ slide to escape. I think it’d make an excellent evacuation tool in more situations, actually. It’s fun, it’s quick, and you can just toss unconscious people onto it. Only problem is, some folks might go back into the disaster just to do it again. I may or may not be one of them. I climbed into a shuttle, a newer one than I’d used to get there, and started hightailing it toward Earth.

“You still there? Everything alright?” Mobian’s voice came from the shuttle’s communications system as well. I think he broadcasted to all of them in the area, actually.

“Yeah, just taking a shuttle here. Just being prepared to get a little distance. You think they’ll agree to a peace now?” I double checked the bomb in my head. Rather than putting it on a timer, I gave it a receiver. The power went straight to me head, y’all could say. This way, I could tell it to go off, or it’ll go off if I die. “Hey, just how bad is it that I changed the future?”

“Changed it? How?”

I quieted down some as the shuttle gave me a clear view of the Earth again. It really is something being out there. “I was supposed to die. I think this all would have gone very differently if I’d never known that.” A signal came to me showing I was now out of range of the blast radius. “Hey, out of curiosity, just how quickly can your ship get far, far away from those others?”

“Why do you ask?” Mobian asked before his voice dropped in dread, “…what have you done?”

First there was a sound, like wind blowing hard through a crack. Pulling up that view on the sensors was like looking back at the birth of a black hole, except a black hole is still a hole in space. This was like if you took a picture of space and then photoshopped it so that a part was removed and everything scrunched up to try and connect everything. It wasn’t very big, which was part of how I arranged things for reasons that will become apparent. The actual matter transmitted to another universe would be relatively small compared to the other effects. For instance, the way everything in the immediate vicinity, which included a lot of alien ships, were suddenly pulled inward to crash against one another while tearing away from any parts at the edge of the radius. Then things started to get really jumbled and explodey in there.

I couldn’t devote myself to observing it, though. The shuttle shuddered and bounced around, even as gravity pulled parts of me in different directions at the same time. Or I assumed it was gravity. Being in close proximity of that detonation didn’t do a lot of good for physics.

Slowly, space began to expand again to fill its proper dimensions without anything that had been inside the Dimension Bomb’s center remaining. Everything else that had snapped inward like a space demolition derby (note to self: trademark the shit out of that!) rocketed away in bits and pieces, none of which looked all that functional.

I lost sight of it because I suddenly appeared on the opposite side of the planet, as if snapped there like a rubber band. Out of nowhere, I tasted something purple, but I had no time to concentrate on that because I had to fight the shuttle for control. It died on me, and y’all could say I was dead set on not joining it in such a grave situation.

Between the aliens and the bomb, some folks on Earth probably expected Jesus to show up riding a Utahraptor to fight Lord Voldemort. I passed over a desert at one point and saw the sand forming a tidal wave, so it wasn’t just me getting fucked up. The sunlight briefly shined blue, then green, then red, then yellow again over the water. Descending, my shuttle even hit some local wildlife in the form of a flying pack of dogs. Odd. I wouldn’t have thought they’d had enough time to get so high up. Then again, I’ve never technically seen the aftermath of a D-Bomb explosion. I just knew it could get pretty bad for areas not inside the point of detonation. It was made to kill a planet, after all.

I’m not sure now if what saved me was the ship’s power kicking back in or if the ground became bouncy the way things are going, but physics returned to normal by the time I stopped throwing up all over the place.

Yep, Earth. It was good to be back home. What, ya’ll thought this would end the big theatrical way, where everything cuts out in the middle of me plummeting back to Earth? Like I’d pull that kind of cliffhanger situation. Ha!

Now, seeing as I landed in Antarctica, I just had to keep from freezing to death. On the plus side, at least I found some water. A bit on the cold side, but it is water. Now I just need someone to deliver a pizza. Yep. I’m sure there’s lots of food to find around this place. Like a nice tall plate of fuck!




3 thoughts on “AvPG: FUBAR FTW 6

  1. Pingback: AvPG: FUBAR FTW 5 | World Domination in Retrospect

  2. Pingback: Icy What You Did There 1 | World Domination in Retrospect

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