The pale girl with the long hair who crawls on my ceiling has been joined by a pale boy with a huge mouth. This has no real effect on anything I’m doing, but I thought some people might enjoy hearing about it. He surprised me while I examined the shards from those Nature Force bozos.
Good news on that front. I’ve dealt with similar foes in the past. The best solution is if there was some way to jam that sequence where the rangers call their outfits. They’re usually powerless in human form, so it’s easier to take them out that way. Rub ’em out. Eliminate. Exterminate. Maybe even kill.
I’ve never managed found a way, though I remember others who found a way. Good thing I know a bit about chemicals. I prefer poisons, but I believe I’ve found a way to mess with certain molecules in the armor. It’s a two-part method that that reacts with the armor to tempt them away into bonds that form a weaker compound. It doesn’t appear to have that effect equally over the armor, but then termites don’t have to eat the entire house to destroy it.
Japan is surprisingly lax about letting a guy like me buy strange things to do this testing.
Before I could test it on Nature Force, I ran into the local villain union. Yep. Barged right into my super secret hiding spot while I finished injecting a gas into the spray canister. First the elemental guy walked in. Then the elemental guy walked in. After him, the elemental guy walked in. He brought five of himself in total, each one apologizing for intruding. I looked that up, and apparently it’s a common saying when entering someone else’s domicile around here. So I guess criminals around here sometimes apologize for the intrusion. Isn’t that special? “I am so sorry I am choking you tonight, ma’am. May I adjust my grip?”
They all just stood there, crowding this tiny place, and spoke in unison. “We have an offer that may benefit us both.” The three in the middle held giant tablets.
“Last time you had an offer, you doublecrossed me and called it a test. Are you familiar with Western sayings about pissing on my leg and telling me it’s raining? Don’t feed me shit and tell me it’s delicious chocolate pudding.”
The elemental doppelganger dude pointed at my lower body with five hands. “Perhaps you should wear pants when meeting your guests.”
I looked down. “What are you talking about? Chaps are pants.”
“Please, cover your penis.”
I rolled my eyes. “Damn prudes. Alright.” I poked my head in the closet and turned on the light, revealing the pale girl standing right there in my face. I tossed her the ass- and crotchless chaps. “Here, hang this up for me.” I then pulled on the lower half of my armor and turned around to find that the elementalist had turned on the tablets, streaming my temporary hideaway to three other individuals. I looked over at the virtual guests, sizing them up where they were. I had a full body view of each.
They returned the favor. One stood with only a turban, private bits seemingly lost in his alien biology. His body was smooth except that it appeared to be a very small exoskeleton near the joints, where a bit of pink showed through. Aside from the pink, he predominantly appeared purple, except for distinct white portions on the pecs, abs, and face. His eyes resembled humans’ and were bright green. He glared, arms crossed, a slight breeze blowing a loose strip of the turban. I didn’t think I turned the air conditioner up that high.
The middle screen showed a pale woman in a black dress that more closely resembled clinging shadows, except shadows probably would have shown some nipple. She reminded me of Morticia from the Addams Family, but with a wand in her hand. Morticia didn’t need any damn wand. Actually, something seemed up with her hair. Ah, on closer examination, it was some sort of droopy, shadowy crown. There are pills for that sort of thing.
The last guy looked a lot like the Nature Force rangers. He had the same sort of armor, except he was black and gold. Two long, dark, see-through wings hung down from the shoulders. He wore two curved swords at his hip that ended in a spike.
“Hi,” I told them. “I’m Gecko, and this is Moai,” I pointed to Moai. “He’s my rock.”
The elemental guy pushed on the portion on the bridge of his nose, then indicated the first of the three “visitors”. “This is Pienaple. He is on Earth to take revenge on a hero who defeated and killed his brother on another planet.” Pienaple gave me his most welcoming scowl. I returned a more neutral expression, then raised my hands to my nipples and rolled a pair of fingers over each areola. Times like that, you have to maintain eye contact to establish dominance. And rub your nipples. He looked away first. Dominance established.
The elementalist stepped forward and slapped my hands away, interfering with my continued nipple dominance-establishing but not blocking Pienaple. “Next is Lady Negaheart, who plans to drain the souls of humans to awaken her goddess. She has a problem with a group of magical teenage girls who transform and fight her minions.”
I began to move my hands to my nipples, but she raised her nose in the air like I stank. “Ok, nice to meet you, I suppose. You know, I had a soul once, but then I ate it. Or was that a ham? I had a ham once. You would have liked it. It had pineapple chunks.”
I felt Pienaple’s scowl narrow in on my head. This time, the duplicating guy I really need a name for covered my mouth and indicated his third companion. “Last, I bring you Lord Vespanican. He fights to destroy rid the earth of humanity and allow more fit species to rule instead.”
“Ah, yes. I’ve heard of you, Vesparino. I had a run in with Nature Force the other day. They destroyed my robots.” I offered my hand and shook it in the air as if he took it. “Nice talk. Now grab your shit and get out.”
Doppelganger man raised is voice, “I brought them here to work out a beneficial agreement. You are visiting us and bring valuable skills. You beat heroes with consistency.”
“Damn straight I do. That’s what you get for having so many heroes be housewives during the day. A firm hand, that’s all they need.” I pantomimed smacking a bitch. “Gotta keep my pimp hand strong.”
“The Underworld heard of your setback and resolved to help you acquire what you seek. Each of these villains can provide you with a small army in exchange for helping them defeat their enemies.”
“What makes you think I had a setback? I can just have more built.” I mean, geez, this isn’t babymaking, where you have to wait nine months just for the replacement to pop out, then five years before you can put them in uniform.
“Apologies. I believe my sources are ahead of yours in this area. Many businesses have ties to the Yakuza. Soon, ODA will inform you they can’t do business with you at the present time. The Yakuza protects their interests, and they will suspect you. I believe they don’t like you.” He punctuated the last statement with a grin. Bastard. Going by a day-old email I hadn’t checked, a correct bastard.
I stood up at that and offered warm smiles and outstretched arms to all. “That’s an entirely different story! In that case, I should have worn my good chaps. If you’ll wait, I’ll go put them on.” I nodded toward the closet, then turned to grab the door. The elementalist grabbed me and guided me back around. From now on, I’m just going to keep calling him that. He is now officially The Elementalist. Ta da!
He said to me, “Please listen to their offers.”
It didn’t really matter, though. I already had a good idea who I planned to hook up with.
Pienaple’s offer really amounted to joining his band, attacking the hero’s friends on some island they hung out at, then waiting around until the friend showed up so we could beat him up. No matter what, Pienaple was supposed to get the final fight against this hero, one on one. I didn’t like the sound of that. Seemed too open and I got this hunch that I’d be expendable. On the plus side, he had these little seeds that you toss in the ground. They grow into plant people that are stronger than regular humans.
Too bad for him I didn’t have a green thumb.
Lady Whats-Her-Face said she could give me shadow people who could fight on their own or possess regular people. That seemed pretty fun. I’d just have to help escort her minions around and help them put a beating on the magic girls when they showed up. It seemed pretty easy, until I asked how strong her shadow people could be if high schoolers regularly beat them up. She mentioned something about the head girl having a magic attack that purifies the heart of their enemy and destroys the evil shadow.
Magical purification that could brainwash me into acting good? Ew. Gives me shivers now to think about it. To be warped by people who are sure that what they’re doing is for my own good until I agree with them and thank them for it. Uh uh. I’m not touching those teenage Japanese girls with a ten foot dildo.
That left Lord Vespanican, the enemy to the Nature Force Rangers. He showed me this nest he carried and said that he could provide me with plenty of them. I told him that was nice. He then clarified that they spawn a couple dozen of his drones, who resemble humanoid wasps. They’re not brilliant, but they follow orders and don’t care who they hurt. All I would need to do is help him destroy the rangers before they could unlock the power of the final ranger. He was quite adamant on that point. This guy really didn’t want to see this red ranger. As someone who faced incarnations of the rainbow brigade in the past, I sympathized with him. The red ones are always the worst.
“Well, thank you all for stopping by, but I think it’s time we put a stop to those pesky rangers!” I raised a fist to the air, then turned around and grabbed a containment canister off the TV tray where I assembled it. “And with my new secret weapon, the rangers won’t know what hit them! Mwahahahahaha!”