I tapped Moai on the shoulder and pointed to the park. There, on a bench under a gazebo, was Venus. “Alright, if it’s a trap, try to save me. If there’s too many or they have already knocked me out, save yourself, then save me later when their guard is down. I don’t trust this, Moai.” He turned back and nodded, chauffeur’s cap bouncing lightly on his head. I reached back and rubbed at the back of my neck before I stopped myself. He pulled stopped to let me out. I grabbed up my purse and opened the door, taking to the heels I was wearing well enough. It had been awhile since I’d last worn any.
I took a second to smooth out my skirt and put this larger pair of sunglasses on. The ones with larger lenses that make the wearer look like a wannabe primadonna. You may have gathered by now that I was cross-dressing. It was a disguise, kind of. Only thing is, it’s hard to make me look like a woman, at least without nanites. Passing as a woman wasn’t the goal, though.
I approached Venus from behind. I had to catch my hand from wandering back to my neck. Much easier to reach that spot than the ones lower down on my spine. Those thingamajiggers I told y’all about, transmitters and receivers I can work through in case I’m paralyzed again? They were a bitch to install without my nanites. Total female doggage all on my spine. The pain has been humping my brain to show dominance.
But back to creepily approaching a woman from behind. Not creepily, I mean. Just secretively. Just a perfectly normal cross-dressing supervillain sneaking up on a woman. Nothing wrong there.
“Hey there, Boopsie lady,” I said. She jumped slightly, then jumped even more noticeably upon turning and seeing my outfit.
“Whoa. That’s some disguise there, ‘ma’am’ but I think they’re going to see you as less feminine and more transsexual.”
“Damn,” I rifled through my purse, “I was going for transvestite instead. This ought to do it,” I finished and began smearing on even more lipstick. I’ve got to be showy if I’m disguised as a transvestite. A real hot dog. Maybe even a frankfurter.
I was hoping she’d giggle at that, but I guess I don’t make her feel very relaxed.
“You disguised yourself as a transvestite? Why?”
“You ask that so much lately. The why, I mean. I rarely get asked about why I look like a transvestite.”
“Again, why did you show up here looking like a transvestite?”
“Because people would expect me to do a good job of looking like a woman if I wanted to. If I did that, I’d be disguised as a transsexual. It just makes sense this way,” I sat down to her left, dropping my purse between us on the wood bench. Then I lifted my foot and began to massage the ankle. “Been awhile. These things are not fun.”
Venus was too busy trying to glance in my purse without giving herself away. I agreed to not bring my armor or any weapons to this rendezvous, but she didn’t trust me. I turned to her and held the purse out for her, “Here. You want to see if I brought anything with me? Go ahead. You just saw me reach in myself.”
She took it in her hands, looked down at it, thought for a second, then shoved it back toward me, “No, you open it.”
“Alright,” I told her as I grabbed it, “I’ll open it up myself. Should have known you’d do this to me.”
“Wait!” she said just as I was about to open it. “Hand it over.”
I did, again. “Are we just going to keep playing hot potato here because you don’t know if I’ve booby trapped the thing? Can’t you trust that the only boobies I thought about in this meeting were yours.”
She wonked me across the face with the purse. Face still turned off to the side from the blow, I said, “I ought to walk for that, but, ya know,” I pointed a finger at her, “I kind of like you.”
She held the purse away from her, “Purely as an enemy, of course,” she responded. She opened it.
Confused, Venus dug through the contents of my purse, checking it over, then dumped it out. Makeup, a wallet, a tampon.
“You look confused, Venus.”
She set the purse down, “I told you not to bring weapons. We expected you would ignore that.”
I jumped up on the bench, left foot on the seat, right foot on the back of it, and pointed off in the distance, “Exactly! You can’t even expect the unexpected with Psycho Gecko! Even the expected is unexpected with me.” I glanced down at her. She had her face turned down and away, cheeks reddening.
“You’re not wearing any underwear!”
That’s when I became aware of the geometry involving my legs and skirt. I turned around and sat down, “Just wanted let the boys get some fresh air today, that’s all. I figured taking care of this business was a good time for that. Right? Business instead of just pleasure?”
Venus poked me in the man boob.
“Yo, hero, my eyes are up here.”
“You didn’t wear your armor either. Talk about a show of trust,” she looked up at me with her soft brown eyes. “Alright, Gecko, I’ll hear what you have to say.”
I know a lot that I did here was to throw her off from her immediate distrust of me and break the ice, but I don’t know if that counted as too easy. Because they’re all out to get me. Under every rock. That’s another reason why no underwear. They have a spy under a rock, he looks up, sees my junk, goes blind and screams, “Argh!” and I have time to get away.
“I don’t like them, and was going to work on giving them up. There’s a plan we’re working on to draw y’all on to the casino. Turns out that underneath it, there’s a nice big vault full of guardians and giant plasma cannons and so on. The rainy day stash of Ouroboros, probably with lots of stolen valuables tossed in. I can be your man on the inside. Disable some defenses and trip up some of their guys. Then, before they’re read, I call y’all in. I can even get you into the vault if y’all can get me to it in the midst of all the fighting. I just want to grab a few things out of there to compensate me for my trouble and then be on my merry way. Oh, I’d like a head start too. Don’t want you heroes turning on me that quickly.”
“We can’t do that. You’ve done horrible things and made a lot of enemies. We’re the heroes. It’s our duty to bring you in. If you come along nicely, we won’t have to hurt you in the process.”
“You sure do want to treat me gently, all things considered.”
“I don’t think even you are irredeemable. I’ve seen what you’ve built. You could revolutionize the world in a good way. And I think that if you were a little less angry at everything, you could stop this life of conflict.”
“That is a far more conciliatory attitude than I expect from someone whose boyfriend I killed,” I looked her in the eye. Clues fell in place. She didn’t want me running off too suddenly and she already stated they weren’t going to work with me. Grabbing my purse, I turned around and jumped onto the back of the bench. I balanced awkwardly due to my footwear. My paranoia was justified as I found we weren’t alone. I saw a figure in armor in my rightmost peripheral vision, but it was Troubleshooter and her massive backpack that had my attention the most. The tripod was down and a mechanical limb arched out of the pack and pointed a weapon at me. She had a gun of some sort in her arms as well. Her shots caught the bench and the rail of the gazebo, sending splinters of wood into the air.
She missed me because I dove forward and to my left. My beautiful dive and subsequent high score from the Olympics judges was ruined by Venus punching me in the back. I landed harder than I wanted to on my left arm and couldn’t quite roll with it, so I was slower getting back to me feet. Said feet were then blown from under me by another blast from Troubleshooter. They were still attached, but they have failed me. I ought to execute them for that.
They were on me quickly, Venus and the man in the armor. The man in a stolen suit of my armor. Here’s a promise, readers. He will die soon. I wanted to strangle him right there, but Venus was pinning my arms to the ground. That’s much easier to do without my own suit of armor on. The man in the armor put his weight on my legs. My struggles were fruitless. I couldn’t even twist around to break an arm and escape that way.
“Did you get enough of a sound sample?” Venus queried the asshole in my armor.
When he spoke, it was with a voice similar to mine if it was coming out of the suit’s comms, “Yes. I should be able to infiltrate them, no problem. Hey T.S., call in the flyer!”
Troubleshooter was walking towards us, her backpack tripod stepping along with her to help support the weight. “Already done. They’ll be here in five, and Forcelight in four.”
Venus looked down at me, “You wouldn’t believe what we had to go through to adapt your suit and the rest of your tech, but we’re finally going to put you to some good.”
The man in my suit shrugged, “Don’t bother. He doesn’t need help. He needs a bodybag.”
I saw Moai as he finished circling the park and turned onto the grass. He was coming up from behind Troubleshooter now. Now would be a good time to get and hold people’s attention.
“If I may interject, ladies and gentlemen, then I’d like to point out that there is some degree of intellectual dishonesty involved in stealing my things and using them in this way. Furthermore, a copyright lawyer may wish to have a word with you just as soon as I can perform the ancient rites and summon one from the nearest hell-like dimension. It would also be prudent to remember that there is at least one aspect of this scenario you have not accounted for that may come back to bite you in the rectum should you not be paying attention for a sufficiently long length of time, perhaps due to a distraction or somebody talking for a long time and saying what may or may not be very little, all things considered,” I spewed at them, speaking louder and louder as I went on.
“What are you talking abou- Watch out, T.S.!” the armor thief said as he just then noticed the SUV picking up speed and aiming for Troubleshooter. She had heard it approach but couldn’t turn around in that getup quickly enough. Moai hit the brakes just as he rammed into her, slowing down enough to not total the escape vehicle. Instead, the stop was sudden enough that he flew through the windshield and into Troubleshooter. The vehicle had unbalanced her. The flying Moai headbutt knocked her the rest of the way onto the ground, her giant super sciency robotic pack’s weight holding her down.
Moai rolled and stood up again, covered in dirt and grass stains. The despicable thief of my armor stood up and left my legs free. He advanced on my minion. Venus knelt behind me, pinning my wrists down with her knee, her hands on my arms. I threw my feet over me, kicking at her head. I felt the heels dig in to something and she fell back, freeing my arms. I turned and rolled to my knees, then stood. The despicable thief was charging up the gloves, but very slowly. I brought my purse down on the helmet and planted my heel-clad foot in his butt. I propelled him forward, where Moai stepped aside and let him pass. While he tried to get his bearings, Moai dipped over and tripped the man, then hopped onto one of his hands, crushing it.
I turned back to Venus, who had taken to her feet as well. She was wary of the various civilians gathered around to see a catfight, but she also had to know this could get very messy, very easily. I turned back to Moai and whispered. “I’ll go up. You roll under.”
As I turned back to face Venus, I launched myself into a flying kick. Her face went red again as this presented quite the view up my skirt, but she sidestepped. She sidestepped even more when Moai came rolling on his side to knock her down.
I managed to land on Moai, surprising even me, and we went right by Venus. “Hey, Moai, other way, we need to get back to the car,” I instructed him as I ran backwards in heels trying to stay on him. The only thing we were missing was Yakety Sax. We circled around past Venus, who was seeing to the faking mean faker of falsehoods who stole my armor, and past a Troubleshooter who was starting to angle up. Moai stopped there and I got off. Moai got in the driver’s side while I kicked one leg of the tripod out from under Troubleshooter.
I lost a shoe in the process. Those bastards.
So that’s how my Saturday went bad. My hair was a mess, my skirt torn, I lost my purse, and the heroes have been figuring out how to use my equipment. If I’d had the time to beat them, I’d love to have ripped that usurper from my armor, fed him the contents of his intestines, and then kicked his ass so hard he’d have to pry it open to see anything, but reinforcements were on their way. See, I give them slack and they put together something like this. Venus especially is going to be the death of me if I’m not the death of her.
And all this helps to highlight one other reason why I hate all this crap: I have to be careful about killing people. Like back there. If I’d snapped Troubleshooter’s neck, that’d make damn sure the heroes would target me above all others when our confrontation happens. All this manipulation better pay off, I know that much.
Speaking of paying, don’t they realize how much these shoes cost?