Pope Gecko

Deep below Vatican City, Psycho Gecko was hunting the Pope. Easter approached; it was rabbit season.

He was hired by a member of the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Holy Office to track down Benedict beneath the city before his plan could be enacted.

“Oh yeah, we know he’s up to something,” said Father Randy Poffo, “But he can order us away the minute we get close. That’s why we need someone as clearly unaccountable to the Church as you are to aid us in this investigation.”

Across from him, dressed in pink leather chaps and a similarly colored cowboy hat, Psycho Gecko leaned forward to ask, “You guys got the money to afford me?”

“Brother, we got nearly a millennia of gold stored up. If we have to account for it, we’ll just say we set it down in a cellar one day and forgot where we put it,” Father Poffo said with a grin. He held out his hand. Psycho Gecko shook it.

Father Poffo stood up to leave, “Walk with me, my son.” Resentful of being called anyone’s son, Gecko stood and at least tolerated his new employer’s mannerisms. “If it comes down to it, you’ll want to be sure he’s no longer a problem. We’ve provided automatic life support functions in all of his clothing, so anything that makes it look like an accident probably won’t work…”

***

Under the Vatican, Psycho Gecko was surprised to find a laboratory. Sharp knives, microscopes, old computers, the room covered in dust and rat turds, bubbling green liquids eating through the tables, unidentifiable hunks of meat in jars full of formaldehyde. It was either a lab or a McDonald’s. Near him was a large cylinder, one of many in the room. He brushed away the condensation to find…a naked man.

Well, open and shut. It’s clear ole Benny was just making himself a bride. He ought to at least find the dead brain donor biker in the freezer before calling it quits, but there were no surprises left here.

“Überraschung!”

Gecko turned towards the shape by the wall. Benedict. The old man was in the act of throwing a switch even as Gecko turned. He heard a whooshing behind him and turned to see the tube now empty. The other tubes were being evacuated as well. He took a step towards the old man in the gold robes, but was stopped as a pipe overhead emptied a load of fresh, wet, naked men on top of him.

“Help, it’s raining men!”

“Hallelujah!” proclaimed Benedict.

“Argh, raining too many men!” Gecko added as a few more flopped on top of him in that floppy way that naked men flop onto other men.

“Amen,” said the Pope again before shuffling off down the hall.

While digging his way out from all the bodies, Gecko noticed something. They were all alike. Each and every one was the same. Clones. And according to his facial recognition software, they all bore a striking resemblance to Emperor Palpatine, which could only mean one thing.

Pope Benedict was cloning himself and building an army.

Woohoo, he thought, I finally get an excuse to kill the Pope!

He rushed down the hall Benedict had taken. It was all dark save for a glaring white light at the end of the room. In fact, there, in the circle of light, stood the Pope. Just waiting.

Come on, how many traps could the old man possibly have that still worked down here?

Psycho Gecko regretted those words when a glass enclosure fell around him and the Pope both. Murder first, escape second, he told himself. The light was growing more intense, but his visor adjusted enough to keep his aim steady as he drew a knife and threw.

The light blinded him.

And a moment later, instinctively, he caught the knife in a wrinkled old hand. A hand coming from under a gold robe.

Holy mother of shits.

Across from him stood…Psycho Gecko. The case they were in began to slowly retract upwards as the circle of light turned to darkness.

“You papal bastard, switch us back!”

Gecko’s stolen body shook his head no and said “Die Maschine hat nicht genug Strom dafür, selbst wenn ich es wollte.” and began to simply walk away. Gecko would be damned before he let a Pope walk away in his body. Probably for killing said Pope. He hurried forward as fast as his frail old legs could take him, knife raised.

Pope Gecko then turned and simply punched him, knocking him to the floor easily where his wrinkled old head smacked the hard stone. He stood overhead, performing last rites in Latin as Gecko faded.

A computer screen in the lab flickered to life. The words “Pope Life Support Alert” flashed on it for a couple of seconds, before switching to a diagnostic view of the Pope’s robes. “Heartbeat: Nil, Pulse: Nil, Respiration: Nil” then “Level I, Administering C.P.R.”

Eyes closed beneath Gecko’s helmet as he prayed for the soul of his enemy, Benedict didn’t see the chest of the papal robes pump against the chest that used to be his.

“Level II: Administering electric Shock” A jolt shook the body.

The diagnostic view showed a needle moving towards the heart. “Level III: Administering Adrenalin.” A camera view of it showed the organ start again as accompanied by an electrocardiogram showing a heartbeat once more. “Level III: Administering Adrenalin.”

In front of Benedict, the body of the Pope stood and stretched its arms out towards the man reading the Last Rites. Benedict was shocked to see a man return from the dead, but even more shocked when the fists of his former body shot forth lightning that sent him flying against the now-lowering glass enclosure. The lights brightened briefly.

“Was war das?” He said, slow to get up after being half-fried.

“This? This is merely superconductor electromagnetism. Surely you’ve heard of it. It levitates bullet trains from Tokyo to Osaka. It levitates my favorite bar’s bucking bull, where I ride the saddle of the world, and it levitates…me!”

Gecko rose into the air as his body crackled with electricity. He drew himself back for a moment before flinging himself at the Pope in his own stolen body. Errant lightning flashed out as they collided and the chamber’s lights went bright once more.

***

It was half a day later when the Poffo and the Holy Office, drawn by unusual seismic activity, dug Psycho Gecko from the rubble. A Psycho Gecko in his own body, thank you very much, who handed over smelly and comatose body of the Pope.

“What happened?” asked Poffo, whose men were busy cleaning up the naked clone bodies. They were sure to find something to do with them.

“Old fuck was trying to steal my body. He was cloning himself, I think. He was going to come back, maybe be Pope again and again and again.”

“It looks like we’re going to have to put the Holy Father on a permanent bedrest then. It’s iffy, but we do have a precedent for, how do you say, ‘retirement.’”

“I don’t give a shit. My brain feels like it was violated by a creepy old man.”

“Anything I can get you for that?”

“Gold. A metric shit ton. I want so much gold, people are going to be afraid of smelting accidents near my place. Seriously, I need at least enough to fill a new Jacuzzi purchased using the rest of the gold.”

“We’ll go get you a set of the old drapes then. This way.”

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16 thoughts on “Pope Gecko

  1. Gnarker

    Recommenting here because my original got lost over on Worm:

    Don’t beat yourself up over bad German, i’ve read way worse;
    The only thing strictly speaking wrong in the original was “für, dass,” (should have been “für das,); It’s just that the reordered first sentence and the past form of the second sound a bit more natural, flow better.

    Reply
  2. Ellert

    Came over here from Worm.
    You know after contemplating questions like:
    Do you really want to know what Gecko has linked to in his name? Come on how much worse for your sanity can this be than anything you have read from him yet? Could it be amusing?
    That last one clinched it and the answer is yes it is and greatly so.
    So thanks for sharing.

    Some typos and stuff:
    Psychonomous Gex! The Rise of Psycho Gecko Part 1
    “That’s right, I’m you’re guy.
    your?
    Plus, we can do whatever want to their reputation.”
    whatever we want maybe?

    Psychonomous Gex!: The Rise of Psycho Gecko, Part Deuce
    I was like some sort of magnetically personality,
    magnetic or magnetical?

    Psycho Gecko Saves Christmas
    in the sense that the preferred weapons that
    that they?
    Since this was the base of a colleague of sorts sad since he just wanted a certain set of presents back, Gecko walked in the front door without his stealth on
    i guess and instead of sad at least that would make sense to me

    Reply
    1. Psycho Gecko

      Finally, someone points out more errors. I don’t remember you from the comments over there, but I’m glad you found your way here to pick up a few mental traumas and I guess I’ll keep an eye out for you now. Enjoy what there is over here.

      Reply
  3. yinyangorwuji

    You see, this is why I’m an atheist. Our dark god has no claims of being holy. He orders us to clone each other for less insidious purposes: massive egotistical orgies. And the deposition of all other gods, for they are false idols before the almighty scientific power that is Athe, God of Atheism.
    -Zeta
    (Discharge would kill me for saying this; he’s very much into the whole heretical scene. I’m more of a weekend atheist. Usually, quietly unfaithful, with occasional rants about Pastors and sheep-minded people.)

    Reply
  4. farmerbob1

    Speaking of undecipherable things happening behind the scenes that might either be wondrous or terrifying – I just noticed that there are Windows Updates downloading to my machine now.

    Will Binge some more after Windows is done playing around.

    Reply
    1. Psycho Gecko Post author

      Hopefully the update doesn’t mess something up. Wouldn’t want you to Bing some more instead.

      Unless I forgot to hit the Update button somewhere, the typos should be fixed now. And you should be able to tell that the story of my life is never going to be especially noted for angst, darkness, or magnificent mysterious conspiracies…but it might ruin the odd computer monitor if you drink anything while reading. Glad you’re enjoying things so far.

      Oh, and while you’re going through everything, please let me know if I screwed up on those Next and Previous buttons at the bottom. I have this feeling like I might have somewhere since I put them all in recently.

      Reply
      1. farmerbob1

        The next and previous buttons seem to be working fine. I chose to actually add mine to the text of the posts themselves, because there’s no telling where some Android iPhone gizmothingie will put your page formatting stuff next, according to some of what I’ve read. If I keep my “Last Chapter Next Chapter” links in the actual text of the post, most smartphones are happy to display them where I want them. That’s what I’ve been told anyway.

        Yes, my cellphone is so old, the only people that might be interested in it work at the Smithsonian. http://tinyurl.com/mnk57p6

        Reply
  5. farmerbob1

    Oh, there was one place that confused me. The Space Marines / Oppenheimer chapters were split up. The last chapter of that appeared several chapters after the next-to-last chapter. I would probably put them next to one another in the last/next arrangement. It looks like they might have been split up due to a few shorts being written between them, but the story itself loses come continuity there by separating them.

    Reply
  6. Olivebirdy

    Typo:
    Gecko’s stolen body shook his head no and said “…wollte.” and began to simply walk away.
    “…wollte,”
    Probably for kill said Pope….I don’t get it. Oh! …for killing said Pope.

    It’s iffy, but we do have a precedent for, how do you say, ‘retirement’”
    -missing a period.

    Reply
    1. Psycho Gecko Post author

      Thanks for the typo-finding. Some people dread a typo thread, but every time someone finds one and I correct it, it makes the story a little bit better for all those who come afterward.

      Reply
      1. Olivebirdy

        Compared to Worm/Pact, you have surprisingly few typos. I consider finding and pointing out typos a sort of rent. If I enjoy reading, I should make it worth it to you in some way. (Why would someone dread a typo thread? It means that there is no need to trawl through looking for them yourself.)

        Reply

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