NutCrackinator 5000

Psycho Gecko rode in on his giant wooden mecha in the shape of a nutcracker (complete with hair made of fir), cackling maniacally as he moves the various ash levers and wheels in the cockpit. For good measure, he played a song on in which someone is singing in Japanese in an attempt to appease the ancient Japanese Super Sentai spirits. Wrenching one pair of levers in opposite directions to one another, he commanded the mecha’s mouth to slide open widely, and then closed, taking a bite out of a nearby cashew packing plant.

Just then, the stereo system’s transmission is blocked. After a moment of crackling, the Beastie Boy’s “Intergalactic” emanated forth from the pine speakers.

A giant octopus monster with claws stepped out from behind a skyscraper and gurgled at his mecha. The readout on the transparent dogwood display (a technology learned after a run in with a Scottish time traveling engineer on a starship who needed to transport a pineapple into the future to avoid Earth’s destruction) showed that the being was asking for the surrender of the NutCrackinator5000 as the town was literally not big enough for the two of them. Gecko’s reply was succint, “In the words of General Anthony McCauliffe, 101st Airborne…’Nuts!’”

Psycho Gecko then pulled on a cord marked “Gag Reflex”, pelting the giant octopus with a factory’s worth of cashews. With the angriest “drooble” that Gecko ever heard from a giant octopus, it charged. The giant cephalopod crashed into the the NutCrackinator, causing Gecko’s safety straps to splinter against him and Gecko to make a note to look up if cephalopod is a word you can use to describe octopi. The readout showed extensive damage to a portion of the mecha’s chassis. Gecko pulled up the specifics and saw that the nuclear reactor was damaged. There were a few tons of black ironwood between Gecko and a meltdown, but he still needed a power supply.

Psycho Gecko mashed down on a button, deploying a tall rod of oak from the back of the NutCrackinator. A bolt of lightning strikes it out of nowhere. Gecko could swear he heard someone say “Wise fwom youw gwave!” but he was too busy managing the power levels to worry about it.

The NutCrackinator pummeled the giant octopus’ soft stomach with its rounded fists. It had little effect, as the wily octopus has a soft body that can squeeze into all sorts of positions, no doubt prompting rule 34 on some section of the internet. With chances of victory becoming slim, Gecko knew there was only one weapon left that he could trust to pull out a victory.

He turned towards a button marked by paint and a post-it note. “Mah” read the post-it note stuck just in front of the painted on “Agony Beam.” Gecko punched it and held on.

The NutCrackinator’s mouth and eyes opened wide as a beam of dark red-brown light shot from the three openings, merged in front of the mecha’s face, and then blasted the octopus. Gecko’s helmet HUD gave him good news. The enemy that was now roaring in agony was a cephalopod. A cephalopod that was quickly being turned into a tropical hardwood.

The interior of the mecha went dark and quiet as the beam drew out the last of the stored power. Gecko has to resort to rolling down a window to see that his opponent has been fully converted into a wooden statue. Punching the wall of his inactive mech, Gecko calls out victoriously, “Now THAT is mahogany!”

11 thoughts on “NutCrackinator 5000

  1. Random Lurker

    Two things.

    One: Its great to see you archiving your stories from everywhere else, no matter how disturbing they may be.

    Two: This last one wasn’t so disturbing. But that final line is an abomination.

    Three (guess its not two anymore): You and everyone else have gotten me into reading Legion of Nothing. Now I’m losing even more time. Dammit.

    1. Psycho Gecko

      They range in level of disgustingness and disturbitude. Big difference between Charity Job and Saves Christmas in both language and content. And size. And payment. I wonder how you mean abomination though. Poorly written, or just a ballistic facepalm on your part? Careful, I’ma chargin’ mah agony beam.

      1. Random Lurker

        Answer to your question: the second one. I never expected you to be a connoisseur of Shaggy Dog Stories.


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